Why am I doing this to myself?

The last few years I have climbed a metaphorical mountain emotionally. It only seems right now that I climb an actual mountain.

When we go through challenging times we are presented with two options, run and hide or stand up, grow and be counted. I choose the latter every time.

It would be great to believe that I do this consciously in thought, but the decision to use the energy created from negative events and put that into positive action isnt a conscious one for me. Somehow I have been doing this all my life, in a smaller scale. Only this time the emotional mountain I climbed was so great, it only seems right that I match the physical challenge.

If it doesn't challenge you, it won't change you.

It has been 4 months since I booked my space to climb Kilimanjaro. In that time I have started to formulate a training plan, organised 'mini' goals along the journey, actively been training, and started looking at routes to fundraise and activities to complement this.

Please dont be mistaken, this isnt just one moment in time with the focus being me climbing a mountain. The focus here is to raise awareness around mental health and to help start a conversation with anyone who wants to talk.

Why Mind?

1 in 4 people are diagnosed with a Mental Health challenge in their lifetime. This is just a conservative number, as so many of us still feel like we can't talk about it for fear of it being seen as a weakness. Like we are wildebeest ready to be picked off by those lions that have no mental health challenges at all. Here is the thing though... even the lions have anxieties and concerns. Some might just be putting on a show to hide the turmoil inside.

I have had been challenged with extreme Anxiety at a few key points in my life so far. Each time something extreme happens to me, anxiety spills over and affects me in strange ways. In 2017 I suffered such severed anxiety that I had an anxiety attack on a packed London Underground train on my way in to work. I luckily knew it was a panic attack, from the outside I probably looked miserable and hurried. But on the inside I was obsessing, over and over and over... and what was I obsessing over to cause a panic attack you might ask. Well the strange thing is the thing I obsessed over wasnt the cause of the anxiety really. I was obsessing that a terrorist was on my train, that I was about to be caught up in an attack. That I wouldnt see my daughter again.

What was my actual anxiety about... it stemmed from having 3 operations within the same year and having to sign disclaimers each time stating I understood the risks of surgery and that one of those risks is not waking up. All of this was at a time my daughter wasnt even 1. I had to face my own mortality. Whilst I was lucky, the NHS team who looked after me were phenomenal, there was a profound impact on my mental health. I have learnt through this process that anxiety doesnt always appear in a timeline you expect or in a way you may recognise.

The strangest thing that I found... so many of us go through physical health challenges at some point to varying degrees, but no one speaks about your mental health at the same time. It is widely thought that looking after yourself physically through exercise and diet and sleep can positively affect your mental wellbeing. So why then when we go through stressful medical events (stress which causes cortisol the stress hormone) do we not review our mental health as part of the treatment? Why as a society do we not even talk about it?

You are confined only by the walls you build yourself.

That radical change within happened in my life absolutely helped me to learn, grow and evolve as a human. My journey to consistently look after my mental wellbeing has led me to realise how many mental barriers I had created in my mind. You know the type of barriers that stop you from doing something... like not being very fit so therefore you can never do something (like climb a mountain), or your fears... for me of heights, so I am going to abseil down Northampton Lift Tower. Because I don't want to be restrict myself any longer. I want to see what I am actually capable of. What could you do if fear didnt restrict you?